...an attempt to dive deep within myself and listen to the calmness behind the ever-chaotic me...

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

"all companies are selfish...

...u say this during a placement interview and u may end up loosing money at the rate of at least 25k rupees per month or even worse..there are some crucial times in your life when u need to have control over your senses and u behave exactly the opposite as if you are on a high and you don't know what ever you are uttering is making any sense... i was exactly like that in the middle of that interview which i would like to forget.

It was a lovely Wednesday afternoon. Cold and Cloudy,and there were 5 monsters sitting in front of me trying to map my profile in to there job requirements. the interview was a typical one.. tell me something about yourself.. and all that kind of mundane questions which those people ask and i was well prepared to answer those questions even in my sleep...but today was different, today the creator of this universe had something else in store for me and I became too emotional and sarcastic in front of them...

Sarcasm is good to an extent when its used as a tool against your enemies or the people whom you don't like, but if sarcasm runs in your blood u may land up where i landed today.It does more harm than good. Who the hell in this world says that the company he would be joining is selfish and that too during an interview, and on top of that there was sheer arrogance... and to make it catastrophic I was even not conscious of the way I was answering

I rationalize after committing any mistake or for every opportunity that i miss or strike. I rationalized my behaviour and came up with the following lines to sooth my self.

Sometimes we do something that we regret doing the rest of our life. To be honest I hate my self for behaving that way although I don't regret not making through this company. Reasons being:

#For the various interviews I have faced I never behaved like this.
#There is no inherent fault in my thought process that impairs my intellect during interviews.
#It was not in the creators master plan to make me fit for that company and that is the reason that day I behaved in a manner which i never did before.
#The bigger picture is not yet visible. If not this then perhaps something better or equally good.

Not a firm behaviour of luck, I always fancied the slogan "harder you work the luckier you get". But there are some incidents that make you believe that somethings are not meant for you, you are not meant to go some places and even if the entire setting is perfect, you can still make a mess.

Monday, January 21, 2008

i've got stories to tell~~

#1 two wolves!!!
One evening an old man told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy,sorrow,regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt,resentment, inferiority, lies, false, pride, superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
"Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied,

"The one you feed!!!"


#2 one paragraph that explains life...
Arthur Ashe, the legendary Wimbledon player was dying of AIDS which he got due to infected blood he received during a heart surgery in 1983. From world over, he received letters from his fans, one of which conveyed: "Why does GOD have to select you for such a bad disease"?
To this Arthur Ashe replied: The world over -- 50,000,000 children start playing tennis, 5,000,000 learn to play tennis, 500,000 learn professional tennis, 50,000 come to the circuit, 5000 reach the grand slam, 50 reach Wimbledon, 4 to semi final, 2 to the finals, When I was holding a cup I never asked GOD "Why me?". And today in pain I should not be asking GOD "Why me?"
Happiness keeps u Sweet, Trials keep u Strong, Sorrow keeps u Human, Failure Keeps u Humble, Success keeps u Glowing, But only God Keeps u Going...

Saturday, January 19, 2008

*anonymous*.... who AM I ??



Few days back a friend of mine read my blog. Today he came and was wondering about this whole anonymity thing. "What about being anonymous" he kind of uttered just for the sake of making him heard.

"
What difference it makes ? was my impulsive response as if i was defending my act. Why do people defend there acts even if they have not done anything wrong?

The people who
know me and read this blog any way know most about me as this blog is not that much advertised by me... and for the strangers who mistakenly read this it really does not matter who I am , unless i make some difference to them.

There
are times u just wish to be anonymous as if you are writing all to yourself. u can criticize your self for the pettiest of acts and still feel proud of being true to yourself... perhaps that was the the idea i guess..m not sure although.. this blog is not an attempt to show what i am not... rather I'd luv to express what i am and if anonymity is the price for that i think its not much of an asking...

why anonymity? it reduces the accountability one perceive to have for his actions and removes the impact of ones action on his reputation. but who said my reputation is at stake because of this blog?? Contradictions u see... Ohh!!! lord i love contradictions... u passionately think of something being true and in the another flip second u think exactly opposite..and see how the entire setting gets upset and if u r weak hearted and you just doubt your intellect you end up being a confused ass.(ass in this context refers to a donkey because of his so called subtle thinking ability)


You may find critics for everything u do... its not they are wrong its just that they have different ways of perceiving the same thing..on a universal scale nothing is absolute and so is my anonymity...by the way "WHATS IN THE NAME??

Thursday, January 10, 2008

frus-trat-ed ???


yet another day in my life...some what i have xperienced before... frustrated at the core, not by seeing ppl getting themself thru the interviews of elite companies but rather on myself. its harsh wen u xpect too much frm urself cuz it hurts wen u dont suceed and the result is i tend to loose my sleep...phaps its gud for me.. i need to reevaluate my plans and my progress.. past few weeks have been a total waste of time and a testimony to my senseless existence..i wish i cud control the happenings in my life.. i wish life twists and turns as i want it to ... i wish i am happy with myself but alas none of it is true...
so wats next...another set of plans and "to do" lists? this time its now or never... juss few months left for these collg days to b ovr..i need to get the things back on track... i need to recollect myself...
...i wondered at the idea of surprising myself one day..one fine day wen i wud be amused of the feat i have achieved.. it makes me feel happy though i knw there is a gap between the way we think and the way we act.. unless and until u bridge that gap ur dreams ur hopes ur aspirations are nothing more than wishful thinking.. and it takes a lot to bridge that gap...i knw one things for sure i must work hard, relentlessly cuz achieving the end may not be important... its the means that count... i have to achieve the means and have to detach my self with the end.."law of detachment" ehh...

Monday, December 31, 2007

haPPy nU yeAr


...few minutes to go and year 2007 would become history. i am as again in the same place sitting in my hostel room looking at my laptops screen and wondering isnt new year a time to rejoice as it has always been for so many years till now... this year is different looking back i admit yes it was indeed. i got 2 jobs no more jobless or to say the least i was not struggling for mere survival now, now its time to satisfy the needs at the higher level as marked in the "maslow's hierarchy of needs"

i cud hear people shouting happy new year.. some came to my room instigated me to shout along with them but the proposal was not xiting.. its funny u see hw ppl shout when they have to express there joys or sorrows... same expression for two contrasting emotions..

....nie ways the celebrations seem to be over now

people seem to be settling in, enthusiasm of the new year has dampned in few minutes.. there may be some ppl else where still rejoicing... i cud never understand why people get so exited for this very idea of new year... for me it has been juss another day and this specific new year day seem to prove that...m happy in my present state of mind but the only thing bothering me is this end sem thesis presentation...

Saturday, December 29, 2007

so how it started!!!

sitting alone past midnight i was struck with a new idea of killing time as if all the old ideas didnt seem intresting anymore... i erased all the pics those were there on this blog and decided to write.... but write what???

perhaps my present state of mind...lonely and depressed... juss back from my south korea trip back to this college hostel i try to draw the lines....the differences between the two countries are huge.Here we are concentrating on mere survival. i recall wen i spoke abt me joining an american company sounded foolish there."why shall we work for others" a korean muttered sitting casually on his chair. I was speechless, back here people feel great pride in working for americans, but shud we really be proud of working as slaves?

They Visit Here Often!

WHO AM I ?

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these are not mere incidents or events that i make a note of.. these are my experiences..the Voices in my head, they may not be real...but they carry some good ides !!!

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