filling in the void...

They say nature hates vacuum... and then what happens? something fills in...

These are the final few months of my two year stint at IIIT, I would agree these have been some of the satisfying years lived by me in complete consciousness. We all are assigned some thesis topic and we have to make some sense out of this topic. It may look difficult but the trick lies in how good you are at fooling your supervisor and his fellow friends. They expect us to publish papers in journals and they don't forget to mention that conference paper does not sound that impressive.

It seems to be a long semester. A month and half has passed and there is no sign of exit. Still I don't feel as if i have to rush through this time and start working for some company.
I have plenty of time here, the complete twenty four hours are mine and its up to me to waste it whatever way I like and for that exact reason I prefer to be awake the entire night and sleep by 8-9 in the morning. then @ 2-3 p.m. my day starts and to tell u the truth it feels refreshing...

...so wat do i do the whole night??? initally i watched a lot many movies. One day I had an over dose.. it happened like from 12 to 9 am i watched 4-5 movies... too much of movies that now i dont like watching em any more.. i prefer hollywood flicks..the latest one was "Stranger than fiction" and it lived up to its name... I later learned that some bollywood producer had already made a hindi version...

...I have a next door neighbour who happens to be my x-roommate and a good friend of mine, he updates me about all the hindi movies ever released on planet earth. He finds them very exiting and its useless to make him aware of the reality.. ny ways...
so wats new these days... some strange things.. Intrest in Indian classical music, Psychology Photography and tons of books to read.

Classical music -as if ghazals of Mehndi Hassan were not enough.. I had never thought i would listen to em but to tell u the truth if u are alone the entire night it's good sometimes.. I don't recommend it to every one cuz then u risk being insane.. people laugh, they make strange faces or simply walk out of the room on listening to em... i don't know why..its not funny i guess. I think i got one repellant to keep people away when I want.

The next thing is Psychology.. I bought this book by Sigmund Freud. Infact its a collection of 5-6 books. Its cryptic and was costed little over 800 grands...I mentioned the price here.. why??? I think Mr Freud may have an answer to it. Apart from it i also joined some discussion forums where people talk abt there Psychological problems... and guess what in almost 90% of the posts women have some role to play in the problems.. I prefer to be quiet in most of the discussion perhaps I have still a lot to learn from that fat book...

The next Big thing is Photography.. I got this canon camera.. Its not like the other poketsized cameras that i hate (reason being i find them too feminine) but its neither an SLR (which i now contemplate not buying)... But i can get some lenses (tele and wide converters) which apart from some functionality may also make my camera look like an SLR. To make an accurate assumption i have cliked almost 3000 pics from it since i got it on 8th dec 07... so much that now i get a special invitation from any birthday guy in our Masters batch and apart from that the I am also currently covering the college cricket competition.. and then share the pics @ my lab pc. And you know this is the most sensible and humane use of that machine which wore a deserted look 500 meters away from my hostel running from the date when it was first assigned to me.
For the starters there is a sports mode in the camera to click moving objects and for amateurs like me there is something like shutter speed that can be adjusted depending on the moving object to be captured.

And wat about other books. I buy them online or a good shop nearby. They have a lot to teach and in the worst possible case even if you are not learning.. they sill come handy...I sit in my room.. conserve my energy and eventually save the so called food of mess or I just remain calm...

The idea here is not to mention these mere activities. Moral of the story is neither that these are some wonderful hobbies ...

Perhaps what i wanna say is we all are passionate about some things or other.. apart from living my messed up schedule did I ever realized that i may find these things exiting.... perhaps not... Here comes the filling up the void thing. When we get some time in our chaotic lives no matter how little its up to us to fill it with something.. My friends have there own ways of filling it so do I.But do we all live our life realizing what our passions are ? Did we ever thought "Perhaps I should start playing the guitar this weekend for nothing being the reason?" or for that example "Hey! this book in the shelf talks about Philosophy, am I interested?"

...Perhaps we are always too busy to even "think" like this....

*** few years from now i would like to read this page again... ***

"all companies are selfish...

...u say this during a placement interview and u may end up loosing money at the rate of at least 25k rupees per month or even worse..there are some crucial times in your life when u need to have control over your senses and u behave exactly the opposite as if you are on a high and you don't know what ever you are uttering is making any sense... i was exactly like that in the middle of that interview which i would like to forget.

It was a lovely Wednesday afternoon. Cold and Cloudy,and there were 5 monsters sitting in front of me trying to map my profile in to there job requirements. the interview was a typical one.. tell me something about yourself.. and all that kind of mundane questions which those people ask and i was well prepared to answer those questions even in my sleep...but today was different, today the creator of this universe had something else in store for me and I became too emotional and sarcastic in front of them...

Sarcasm is good to an extent when its used as a tool against your enemies or the people whom you don't like, but if sarcasm runs in your blood u may land up where i landed today.It does more harm than good. Who the hell in this world says that the company he would be joining is selfish and that too during an interview, and on top of that there was sheer arrogance... and to make it catastrophic I was even not conscious of the way I was answering

I rationalize after committing any mistake or for every opportunity that i miss or strike. I rationalized my behaviour and came up with the following lines to sooth my self.

Sometimes we do something that we regret doing the rest of our life. To be honest I hate my self for behaving that way although I don't regret not making through this company. Reasons being:

#For the various interviews I have faced I never behaved like this.
#There is no inherent fault in my thought process that impairs my intellect during interviews.
#It was not in the creators master plan to make me fit for that company and that is the reason that day I behaved in a manner which i never did before.
#The bigger picture is not yet visible. If not this then perhaps something better or equally good.

Not a firm behaviour of luck, I always fancied the slogan "harder you work the luckier you get". But there are some incidents that make you believe that somethings are not meant for you, you are not meant to go some places and even if the entire setting is perfect, you can still make a mess.

i've got stories to tell~~

#1 two wolves!!!
One evening an old man told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy,sorrow,regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt,resentment, inferiority, lies, false, pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
"Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied,
"The one you feed!!!"

#2 one paragraph that explains life...
Arthur Ashe, the legendary Wimbledon player was dying of AIDS which he got due to infected blood he received during a heart surgery in 1983. From world over, he received letters from his fans, one of which conveyed: "Why does GOD have to select you for such a bad disease"?
To this Arthur Ashe replied: The world over -- 50,000,000 children start playing tennis, 5,000,000 learn to play tennis, 500,000 learn professional tennis, 50,000 come to the circuit, 5000 reach the grand slam, 50 reach Wimbledon, 4 to semi final, 2 to the finals, When I was holding a cup I never asked GOD "Why me?". And today in pain I should not be asking GOD "Why me?"
Happiness keeps u Sweet, Trials keep u Strong, Sorrow keeps u Human, Failure Keeps u Humble, Success keeps u Glowing, But only God Keeps u Going...

*anonymous*.... who AM I ??

Few days back a friend of mine read my blog. Today he came and was wondering about this whole anonymity thing. "What about being anonymous" he kind of uttered just for the sake of making him heard.

"What difference it makes ? was my impulsive response as if i was defending my act. Why do people defend there acts even if they have not done anything wrong?

The people who know me and read this blog any way know most about me as this blog is not that much advertised by me... and for the strangers who mistakenly read this it really does not matter who I am , unless i make some difference to them.

There are times u just wish to be anonymous as if you are writing all to yourself. u can criticize your self for the pettiest of acts and still feel proud of being true to yourself... perhaps that was the the idea i guess..m not sure although.. this blog is not an attempt to show what i am not... rather I'd luv to express what i am and if anonymity is the price for that i think its not much of an asking...

why anonymity? it reduces the accountability one perceive to have for his actions and removes the impact of ones action on his reputation. but who said my reputation is at stake because of this blog?? Contradictions u see... Ohh!!! lord i love contradictions... u passionately think of something being true and in the another flip second u think exactly opposite..and see how the entire setting gets upset and if u r weak hearted and you just doubt your intellect you end up being a confused ass.(ass in this context refers to a donkey because of his so called subtle thinking ability)

You may find critics for everything u do... its not they are wrong its just that they have different ways of perceiving the same thing..on a universal scale nothing is absolute and so is my anonymity...by the way "WHATS IN THE NAME??

frus-trat-ed ???

yet another day in my life...some what i have xperienced before... frustrated at the core, not by seeing ppl getting themself thru the interviews of elite companies but rather on myself. its harsh wen u xpect too much frm urself cuz it hurts wen u dont suceed and the result is i tend to loose my sleep...phaps its gud for me.. i need to reevaluate my plans and my progress.. past few weeks have been a total waste of time and a testimony to my senseless existence..i wish i cud control the happenings in my life.. i wish life twists and turns as i want it to ... i wish i am happy with myself but alas none of it is true...
so wats next...another set of plans and "to do" lists? this time its now or never... juss few months left for these collg days to b ovr..i need to get the things back on track... i need to recollect myself...
...i wondered at the idea of surprising myself one day..one fine day wen i wud be amused of the feat i have achieved.. it makes me feel happy though i knw there is a gap between the way we think and the way we act.. unless and until u bridge that gap ur dreams ur hopes ur aspirations are nothing more than wishful thinking.. and it takes a lot to bridge that gap...i knw one things for sure i must work hard, relentlessly cuz achieving the end may not be important... its the means that count... i have to achieve the means and have to detach my self with the end.."law of detachment" ehh...

haPPy nU yeAr

...few minutes to go and year 2007 would become history. i am as again in the same place sitting in my hostel room looking at my laptops screen and wondering isnt new year a time to rejoice as it has always been for so many years till now... this year is different looking back i admit yes it was indeed. i got 2 jobs no more jobless or to say the least i was not struggling for mere survival now, now its time to satisfy the needs at the higher level as marked in the "maslow's hierarchy of needs"

i cud hear people shouting happy new year.. some came to my room instigated me to shout along with them but the proposal was not xiting.. its funny u see hw ppl shout when they have to express there joys or sorrows... same expression for two contrasting emotions..

....nie ways the celebrations seem to be over now

people seem to be settling in, enthusiasm of the new year has dampned in few minutes.. there may be some ppl else where still rejoicing... i cud never understand why people get so exited for this very idea of new year... for me it has been juss another day and this specific new year day seem to prove that...m happy in my present state of mind but the only thing bothering me is this end sem thesis presentation...

so how it started!!!

sitting alone past midnight i was struck with a new idea of killing time as if all the old ideas didnt seem intresting anymore... i erased all the pics those were there on this blog and decided to write.... but write what???

perhaps my present state of mind...lonely and depressed... juss back from my south korea trip back to this college hostel i try to draw the lines....the differences between the two countries are huge.Here we are concentrating on mere survival. i recall wen i spoke abt me joining an american company sounded foolish there."why shall we work for others" a korean muttered sitting casually on his chair. I was speechless, back here people feel great pride in working for americans, but shud we really be proud of working as slaves?