feelings of listlessness and discontent

After a series of sleepless nights, i woke up at 6 today. I have been sleeping 0100 hrs to 1900 hrs for the past few days and isn't it an weird time to sleep, but that's what I am all about being absurd. I went to the balcony and looked around. Fresh with a downpour every thing looked so wonderful. I wondered what I have been doing here for quiet some time now. I left all my books back at my home apart from DeBonos "Lateral Thinking". That's a nice book but is not suitable for the kind of mood i am in.

Life's so stupid and I want to be in it miserably. Doing nothing is so painful I desperately want to join the company and start working. I have started hating this emptiness now.. i want it to be filled with something constructive. There is this interview call pending that a consultant promised. She forwarded my resume and the company people didn't called so far that's making me anxious, but those things are beyond my control. All I can do is make myself a cup of tea and type on this keyboard.

I am not that kinds who sleeps-off on his problems. My problems make me worried doing something about them is an altogether different story. And these days i have learnt to Blog-Off my problems. I can read them again and remind me of they being still there.

The first is the thesis defence. I have to defend what I have did in the last 6 months of mine. But looking around I see people not worried about it and that makes me less worried too, peer-motivation you see. There were certain modifications to the code that were pending but they dont seem to be exciting enough. More importantly I don't see any rewards.

I have to yet to order my cam EOS 40D, buy external hard drive, get the thesis report hard binded, get my tickets done. That's too much of an asking.

Some of my friends have also left the college. I have tried to make new friends. The problem with people is they are unique, no one can take any ones place. They are simply not replaceable, at least for me its like that. I made so many good friends here. I am talking about the kind of friends you can count on. I am happy for that fact.

This old man was seen carrying his burdens with a stick doing the balancing act for him. This also my first attempt to use photoshop for such tricks I would have liked to make that bag on his head colored to highlight its importance. But it was not as colorful as his jacket :)

choices?

"If I could start my life all over again I would make the exact same choices that I made . I think I would make them because of the person that I am and the things that I have learnt my making those choices. I am proud of who I am !!!"

I was listening to this Bob Seager song, and a show girl made this statement in the end. It immediately caught my attention. "Stupid girl,she is in such a situation that would equally attract contempt and pity" I expressed discontent in half articulated voice. If I could turn back the hands of time, If I can go back, would I erase my wrong-doings, stupid acts of mine which caused me trouble, let me down or hurt people around. Well the proposition seems to be exciting.. to be honest I do fancy at times that if I could go back say n number of years I would have not committed certain acts of mine.. or would have done this or that..

But isn't it absurd, the things we do in life are like our experiences.They shape our character. The present me is a culmination of the teachings that life offered me because of my actions, so if the very me try to erase those experiences and try to fill them with better ones the lessons that life would have taught me would be of lesser importance..Or in other words, the events and the happenings in the life are not that important as what we become out of those. Our reaction to those happenings is of more importance then the event itself. Someone elsewhere said, if you loose don't loose the lesson..

So the next time you are in a situation where you are at unease just remind yourself what lesson you learnt and avoid learning the same lesson twice :)

...perhaps that show girl was right..I would have made the same exact choices as well...

don't know how relevant is that picture to the post, i saw a young boy selling some prints about the benaras city. There was not enough light to get a sharp picture, neither did he had time to pose.

love actually!!!

..its such a stupid sounding word for some and for others its much more than a word..People like me swivel in between. I am a fairly level headed guy not that much in and out of luv, attraction, fatalism, infatuation or whatever u'd like to name it.

I have seen all sorts of people.Some sensitized,some ignorant, some pretending to be simply not interested..but one thing that is so common amongst them all is the vulnerability to fall for some one..and that vulnerability had some relation with the persons priorities in life... so if u have nothing to and ur priorities in life are in a disarray u are more fallible..

Whatever we say, it is an intrinsic characteristic of all of us to get noticed.Get attention, love and get loved. So where is the problem? Well the problem arises when our expectations soar and the person at the receiving end fail to deliver.

But why do we expect, do we really luv or are we just being plain selfish. We being selfish and we don't even know that, or perhaps we don't want to accept that.

Relationships are such a funny thing. I mean its so different in case of humans. I remember when I was a kid I had a dog. I never had problems with him, I think he was not at all selfish. He may have sulked a few times..but owing to his characteristic brain, he suffered from selective amnesia and forgot all my wrong doings.

Humans are smarter, they have bigger memory and rich set of emotions. They keep things in store for future references. They link present situation with any experiences from the past and they never forget to include the bad experiences..

This pic, i posted there.. was clicked as I remembered mehndi hassan's Ghazal..
"अब के हम बिछडे तो शायद ख्वाबों मैं मिले कभी.. जिस तरह सूखे हुए फूल किताबों मैं मिले कभी.."
{if we get seperated then we will meet in our dreams..like we find dried flowers in the books#OMG - new age translator#}

But whatever i say.. Howsoever u criticize it.. its capable to give you and out of world experience!!! The overheads how ever are quiet high.. and if u are willing to pay the price.. u can take that plunge...

random thoughts!!

its very dusty and windy here these days... m sick of wiping the dust from my laptop. anyways ... my parents are here, sitting with them in the college guest house.. everyones quiet.. me trying to finish my pending thesis report and they keeping themselves occupied with news papers or books... they are not so out going. Its the first time they moved out and came here to meet me.. m not liking this situation very much, precicely because i wonder as if i could ever take care of them as they did.

juss went with them outside today, they did not particulary liked this place either..after all they were here because of me and not for the place.. juss a stroll in the city and we got bored.. i kept my self busy with my beloved camera.. and i'd juss put this pic here... a grandpa and a kid eating icecream..grandpa sulked while he saw me clik them, the kid was too busy with the icecream and didnt pay much attention to me..

..camera is such a thing that cathes peoples attraction.. no one moves so casually with a camera as me.. looking in the viewfinder and moving along.. i may look weird to them and wen the pictures come they look weird to me.. wat an irony..

How difficult is it to strike a balance in your life.. time to ur loved ones.. time for oneself and time to your work..wonder wat if god was flexible in giving us hours in a day..

I was juss typing some thing on this linux terminal and i felt as if my blog is calling... in all this i could not give time to my poor blog for almost two months.. Nobody cares to read this and i am not complaining either...

foTograohy..phOtograPhy.... fotuuuugraafieeee

What was meant to be an electronic device to capture and preserve some moments... has become a passion.... i bought this cam s5 IS in Nov 08, specially for South Korea trip.. since then a lot of things have changed... my abmition of becoming a computer engineer has changed to become a war fotoGrafer... whoohaaaa...
INsane... thats wat 'd idea seems at the onset... nevertheless.. fotografy has become a way of life.. i look around and imagine wat if i freeze every one around me in frames... how wud they look...lemme juss show u some pics here and wat it means.... welll the first one... shot a few clicks at the gwangju railway station... it was freezing cold... and this mom caught my attention... it made me feel nostalgic abt my childhood.. perhaps every parent has done this to there kid...

nie ways thats just the trailer... to bring statistics in to play I may have shot close to 4ooo pics before i finally sold this beautiful camera after 4 months of usage... reason of selling was evidently the desire to carry a bigger and better DSLR.. i pan to get it in few months... I have my eyes on EOS 40D (~1100 USD)+ EF 50mm f1.4 prime lens(~300 USD).. later I wish to buy 24-105 mm f4L lens(~1050 USD).. these three pieces of glass+metal+plastic costs a whopping 100K INR..

...if dats the price u have to pay for ur obsession... i m more then willing tooo....

hindi chiththa

maine shayad kabhi ye socha na tha ki main apni maatrabhasa main kuch likhne ka prayas karoonga... agar mujhe apne in vichaaron ko shaaayad kalam aur kaagaz pe sachmuch hindi main likhna pade to shayad ye mere liye aasaan na ho...
mujhe ab bhi wo din yaad hain jab angreezi main bolne ke liye pehle humen hindi main soch ke use angrezi main anuwaadan karna padta tha... lekin ab stithi ek dum vipreet hai... hindi main likne ke liye angrezi se hindi main anuwaadan karna padta hai...

aaj saayenkaal main mai aur mera mitra bahsa ke silsily main vaarta karne lage...poori vaarta apni bhasha ko lekar thi... lekin gaurtalab baat ye hai ki usmain bhi angrezi shabdo ka prayaog koot koot kar hua tha...aakhiri baar jab hindi likhne ki aawashakta shaayad mujhe daswi ki aakhiri imtehaan (udru??)// pareekhsha main padi thi.. tab bhi shaayd hindi main mere ank bahut chintajanak nahi the..
humaare pyaare mitra tiwaari ji ka paasport(hindi??) jab aaya to humen ek patra likhne ko kaha gaya jismain hume is baat ko sweekaar karna tha ki tiwaari ji ka chaal chalan sahi hai aur kisi bhi nyayalaye main unpe koi aarop darz nahi hai.. isi baat ko hindi main vyakt karne main kaafi kathinaayoun ka saamna karna pada...
to hum sabhi jaante hain ki hindi humaari maatrabhasha hai... lekin kya ye sirf kahne bhar ke liye hai? hum aaj kal ilahabad main hai hai.. jo hindi bhaashiyo ka garh maanaa jaata hai... pehle din ek chowkidaar ne humaare friends [angreezi ka jaanboojhkar istemaal] ko sahpaathi kah kar bulaya to humen kaafi aashchariya hua... sahpaadthi...??? ek baar ke liye to maatha thanka ki aakhir ye sajjan kya kehna chaahte hain... lekin daswi ki pustaken padhe itne din ho gaye ki ab sahpaathi pehle dost bane aur fir friends...is bhaag main ab bhi hindi ka prayog bade paimaane pe hota hai...
dilli ki hindi aur yehaan ki hindi main dharti aur aasmaan ka farq hai... shaayad yehaan ki hindi asli hindi ke zyaada kareeb hai..


to vaad vivaad ka kaaran bhasha ko le kar tha... mera priye mitra jo ki maraathi hai... maraathi bhaaasha ka bharpoor prayog karta hai... wo internet[??] pe bhi apni bhasha main padhta hai... aur apni bhaasha main likhi gayi pustaken bhi padhta hai... aur mujh se jab usne poocha ki hindi main is peedhi ke lekhakon ke visay main mujhe kitni jaankaari hai... to main asmanjas main tha...jaise taise maine kaha ... they dont affect my life... so i dont care abot them... pata nahi ye tarq kis had tak sahi hai...

aisa nahi hai ki hindi ke visay main mera gyaan bahut zyaada hai.. aur is ke kaaran bhi hai... hindi ka gyaan ya to daswi tak kuch kavitaayen,jeevniya aur kahaaniya padhne ke kaam aaya.. ya fir kabhi kabhar hindi akhbaaron pe nazar ferne ... jahaan jao hindi ke saath angreezi main kuch na kuch likha milta hai... aur hindi likhne ki aawashakta paathshaala ke baahar bahut kam hi padi... aaaj kal agar shudh hindi ka prayog aap karen to aap apne aap pe vyang karne ke liye doosro ko aamantrit karenge...ise aap ek sachhhayi samjhe yaa badalte hue bhaarat ka hindi prem!!!

filling in the void...

They say nature hates vacuum... and then what happens? something fills in...

These are the final few months of my two year stint at IIIT, I would agree these have been some of the satisfying years lived by me in complete consciousness. We all are assigned some thesis topic and we have to make some sense out of this topic. It may look difficult but the trick lies in how good you are at fooling your supervisor and his fellow friends. They expect us to publish papers in journals and they don't forget to mention that conference paper does not sound that impressive.

It seems to be a long semester. A month and half has passed and there is no sign of exit. Still I don't feel as if i have to rush through this time and start working for some company.
I have plenty of time here, the complete twenty four hours are mine and its up to me to waste it whatever way I like and for that exact reason I prefer to be awake the entire night and sleep by 8-9 in the morning. then @ 2-3 p.m. my day starts and to tell u the truth it feels refreshing...

...so wat do i do the whole night??? initally i watched a lot many movies. One day I had an over dose.. it happened like from 12 to 9 am i watched 4-5 movies... too much of movies that now i dont like watching em any more.. i prefer hollywood flicks..the latest one was "Stranger than fiction" and it lived up to its name... I later learned that some bollywood producer had already made a hindi version...

...I have a next door neighbour who happens to be my x-roommate and a good friend of mine, he updates me about all the hindi movies ever released on planet earth. He finds them very exiting and its useless to make him aware of the reality.. ny ways...
so wats new these days... some strange things.. Intrest in Indian classical music, Psychology Photography and tons of books to read.

Classical music -as if ghazals of Mehndi Hassan were not enough.. I had never thought i would listen to em but to tell u the truth if u are alone the entire night it's good sometimes.. I don't recommend it to every one cuz then u risk being insane.. people laugh, they make strange faces or simply walk out of the room on listening to em... i don't know why..its not funny i guess. I think i got one repellant to keep people away when I want.

The next thing is Psychology.. I bought this book by Sigmund Freud. Infact its a collection of 5-6 books. Its cryptic and was costed little over 800 grands...I mentioned the price here.. why??? I think Mr Freud may have an answer to it. Apart from it i also joined some discussion forums where people talk abt there Psychological problems... and guess what in almost 90% of the posts women have some role to play in the problems.. I prefer to be quiet in most of the discussion perhaps I have still a lot to learn from that fat book...

The next Big thing is Photography.. I got this canon camera.. Its not like the other poketsized cameras that i hate (reason being i find them too feminine) but its neither an SLR (which i now contemplate not buying)... But i can get some lenses (tele and wide converters) which apart from some functionality may also make my camera look like an SLR. To make an accurate assumption i have cliked almost 3000 pics from it since i got it on 8th dec 07... so much that now i get a special invitation from any birthday guy in our Masters batch and apart from that the I am also currently covering the college cricket competition.. and then share the pics @ my lab pc. And you know this is the most sensible and humane use of that machine which wore a deserted look 500 meters away from my hostel running from the date when it was first assigned to me.
For the starters there is a sports mode in the camera to click moving objects and for amateurs like me there is something like shutter speed that can be adjusted depending on the moving object to be captured.

And wat about other books. I buy them online or a good shop nearby. They have a lot to teach and in the worst possible case even if you are not learning.. they sill come handy...I sit in my room.. conserve my energy and eventually save the so called food of mess or I just remain calm...

The idea here is not to mention these mere activities. Moral of the story is neither that these are some wonderful hobbies ...

Perhaps what i wanna say is we all are passionate about some things or other.. apart from living my messed up schedule did I ever realized that i may find these things exiting.... perhaps not... Here comes the filling up the void thing. When we get some time in our chaotic lives no matter how little its up to us to fill it with something.. My friends have there own ways of filling it so do I.But do we all live our life realizing what our passions are ? Did we ever thought "Perhaps I should start playing the guitar this weekend for nothing being the reason?" or for that example "Hey! this book in the shelf talks about Philosophy, am I interested?"

...Perhaps we are always too busy to even "think" like this....

*** few years from now i would like to read this page again... ***

"all companies are selfish...

...u say this during a placement interview and u may end up loosing money at the rate of at least 25k rupees per month or even worse..there are some crucial times in your life when u need to have control over your senses and u behave exactly the opposite as if you are on a high and you don't know what ever you are uttering is making any sense... i was exactly like that in the middle of that interview which i would like to forget.

It was a lovely Wednesday afternoon. Cold and Cloudy,and there were 5 monsters sitting in front of me trying to map my profile in to there job requirements. the interview was a typical one.. tell me something about yourself.. and all that kind of mundane questions which those people ask and i was well prepared to answer those questions even in my sleep...but today was different, today the creator of this universe had something else in store for me and I became too emotional and sarcastic in front of them...

Sarcasm is good to an extent when its used as a tool against your enemies or the people whom you don't like, but if sarcasm runs in your blood u may land up where i landed today.It does more harm than good. Who the hell in this world says that the company he would be joining is selfish and that too during an interview, and on top of that there was sheer arrogance... and to make it catastrophic I was even not conscious of the way I was answering

I rationalize after committing any mistake or for every opportunity that i miss or strike. I rationalized my behaviour and came up with the following lines to sooth my self.

Sometimes we do something that we regret doing the rest of our life. To be honest I hate my self for behaving that way although I don't regret not making through this company. Reasons being:

#For the various interviews I have faced I never behaved like this.
#There is no inherent fault in my thought process that impairs my intellect during interviews.
#It was not in the creators master plan to make me fit for that company and that is the reason that day I behaved in a manner which i never did before.
#The bigger picture is not yet visible. If not this then perhaps something better or equally good.

Not a firm behaviour of luck, I always fancied the slogan "harder you work the luckier you get". But there are some incidents that make you believe that somethings are not meant for you, you are not meant to go some places and even if the entire setting is perfect, you can still make a mess.

i've got stories to tell~~

#1 two wolves!!!
One evening an old man told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between 2 "wolves" inside us all.
One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy,sorrow,regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt,resentment, inferiority, lies, false, pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence,empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:
"Which wolf wins?"
The old Cherokee simply replied,
"The one you feed!!!"

#2 one paragraph that explains life...
Arthur Ashe, the legendary Wimbledon player was dying of AIDS which he got due to infected blood he received during a heart surgery in 1983. From world over, he received letters from his fans, one of which conveyed: "Why does GOD have to select you for such a bad disease"?
To this Arthur Ashe replied: The world over -- 50,000,000 children start playing tennis, 5,000,000 learn to play tennis, 500,000 learn professional tennis, 50,000 come to the circuit, 5000 reach the grand slam, 50 reach Wimbledon, 4 to semi final, 2 to the finals, When I was holding a cup I never asked GOD "Why me?". And today in pain I should not be asking GOD "Why me?"
Happiness keeps u Sweet, Trials keep u Strong, Sorrow keeps u Human, Failure Keeps u Humble, Success keeps u Glowing, But only God Keeps u Going...

*anonymous*.... who AM I ??

Few days back a friend of mine read my blog. Today he came and was wondering about this whole anonymity thing. "What about being anonymous" he kind of uttered just for the sake of making him heard.

"What difference it makes ? was my impulsive response as if i was defending my act. Why do people defend there acts even if they have not done anything wrong?

The people who know me and read this blog any way know most about me as this blog is not that much advertised by me... and for the strangers who mistakenly read this it really does not matter who I am , unless i make some difference to them.

There are times u just wish to be anonymous as if you are writing all to yourself. u can criticize your self for the pettiest of acts and still feel proud of being true to yourself... perhaps that was the the idea i guess..m not sure although.. this blog is not an attempt to show what i am not... rather I'd luv to express what i am and if anonymity is the price for that i think its not much of an asking...

why anonymity? it reduces the accountability one perceive to have for his actions and removes the impact of ones action on his reputation. but who said my reputation is at stake because of this blog?? Contradictions u see... Ohh!!! lord i love contradictions... u passionately think of something being true and in the another flip second u think exactly opposite..and see how the entire setting gets upset and if u r weak hearted and you just doubt your intellect you end up being a confused ass.(ass in this context refers to a donkey because of his so called subtle thinking ability)

You may find critics for everything u do... its not they are wrong its just that they have different ways of perceiving the same thing..on a universal scale nothing is absolute and so is my anonymity...by the way "WHATS IN THE NAME??

frus-trat-ed ???

yet another day in my life...some what i have xperienced before... frustrated at the core, not by seeing ppl getting themself thru the interviews of elite companies but rather on myself. its harsh wen u xpect too much frm urself cuz it hurts wen u dont suceed and the result is i tend to loose my sleep...phaps its gud for me.. i need to reevaluate my plans and my progress.. past few weeks have been a total waste of time and a testimony to my senseless existence..i wish i cud control the happenings in my life.. i wish life twists and turns as i want it to ... i wish i am happy with myself but alas none of it is true...
so wats next...another set of plans and "to do" lists? this time its now or never... juss few months left for these collg days to b ovr..i need to get the things back on track... i need to recollect myself...
...i wondered at the idea of surprising myself one day..one fine day wen i wud be amused of the feat i have achieved.. it makes me feel happy though i knw there is a gap between the way we think and the way we act.. unless and until u bridge that gap ur dreams ur hopes ur aspirations are nothing more than wishful thinking.. and it takes a lot to bridge that gap...i knw one things for sure i must work hard, relentlessly cuz achieving the end may not be important... its the means that count... i have to achieve the means and have to detach my self with the end.."law of detachment" ehh...

haPPy nU yeAr

...few minutes to go and year 2007 would become history. i am as again in the same place sitting in my hostel room looking at my laptops screen and wondering isnt new year a time to rejoice as it has always been for so many years till now... this year is different looking back i admit yes it was indeed. i got 2 jobs no more jobless or to say the least i was not struggling for mere survival now, now its time to satisfy the needs at the higher level as marked in the "maslow's hierarchy of needs"

i cud hear people shouting happy new year.. some came to my room instigated me to shout along with them but the proposal was not xiting.. its funny u see hw ppl shout when they have to express there joys or sorrows... same expression for two contrasting emotions..

....nie ways the celebrations seem to be over now

people seem to be settling in, enthusiasm of the new year has dampned in few minutes.. there may be some ppl else where still rejoicing... i cud never understand why people get so exited for this very idea of new year... for me it has been juss another day and this specific new year day seem to prove that...m happy in my present state of mind but the only thing bothering me is this end sem thesis presentation...

so how it started!!!

sitting alone past midnight i was struck with a new idea of killing time as if all the old ideas didnt seem intresting anymore... i erased all the pics those were there on this blog and decided to write.... but write what???

perhaps my present state of mind...lonely and depressed... juss back from my south korea trip back to this college hostel i try to draw the lines....the differences between the two countries are huge.Here we are concentrating on mere survival. i recall wen i spoke abt me joining an american company sounded foolish there."why shall we work for others" a korean muttered sitting casually on his chair. I was speechless, back here people feel great pride in working for americans, but shud we really be proud of working as slaves?